The Division: Looking Ahead

The following post is entirely satirical and has been inspired by posts on Reddit.  Credit to u/Viacondiablos for creating such a biting piece of satire.


It’s an exciting time for gamers the world over as E3 is upon us, and with it comes big gaming news.  Smash hit “The Division” from Ubisoft and Massive took to the stage to reveal the next big thing for Xbox One and PC players.  Ps4 players were too busy playing Overwatch to notice, but this news still concerns them.  Taking a look at Massive’s current roadmap for the Division releases, we’re able to speculate pretty accurately on what changes players can expect within the next year.

Division Patch Notes: Update 1.9

— Fixed an issue in Incursion: Spastic Howler Monkey where the third tank appears before the first tank is destroyed. The third tank will now appear three seconds after the second tank.

— Patched an issue where the creepy “Recalibration Lady” actually steals the immortal souls of 20% of the players that make eye contact. Percentage has been corrected to 18%.

— Patched an issue where the “Protection From Elites” value was divided by four, multiplied by six, and then subtracted from the age of the player’s second cousin, Dave. It will now be added to Dave’s age.

— Corrected the ‘Glug, Glug’ noise triggered by drinking water. It will now be ‘Glug, Glug, -pause- Ahhhhh.’

— Corrected the issue introduced in v1.8, where the stash capacity was reduced to 2. It has now been increased to 4. Skins will take up 3 spaces each.

— Removed the issue where Sticky Bomb BFB would spontaneously switch the gender of any PVP target.

— Added six more waves of shotgun rioters to the first phase of the Phantasmical Cheese Grater Incursion. The new total number of waves is 37.

— Corrected the ‘Ambitious Stalking Skater’ gear set three-piece bonus. It will no longer cause players to shrink in stature by 35%.

— Car doors are now 15% more ‘closey.’

— Increased the drop rate of GS 320 holsters in HVT missions from 25% to 35%.

— Base of Operations back medications are now 36% more effective

— Corrected an issue where the Rewards vendor will no longer tell you to ‘Go Pound Sand in a Snowstorm,’ when trying to retrieve rewards

— Due to popular demand, the Cassidy shotgun has been returned to the Special Weapons vendor.

— Decreased the drop rate of GS 320 holsters in HVT missions from 35% to 25%.

— Reduced the number of Cleaner Heavy Flamers in DZ09, due to the tendency of buildings in a three block radius to burst into flames.

— And many more.

— Corrected an issue where level 25 players might occasionally have some self-esteem.

— Patched an issue with Mobile Cover shields. No actual issues were discovered. However, six users used the shield in the last month. The users were interviewed, and although no evidence of glitching was identified, their accounts were banned, and their cars were keyed in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

— Patched the Mustard Beanie. It is now slightly less mustardy.

— And slightly less many more.

— Changed the movie in the Base of Operations. It will now be the 2016 blockbuster “The Division” starring Hugh Jackman as “The Agent,” Danny Trejo as “Paul Rhodes,” Rosie O’Donnell as “Joe Ferro” and Samuel L. Jackson as “Faye Lau.”

— Increased the drop rate of GS 320 holsters in HVT missions from 25% to 35%.

— Added three new currencies. Currencies now include Division Credits, Dark Zone Credits, PxC, Basic Materials, Division Tech, Cleaner Materials, LMB Bucks, ‘Kandels’, Pigeon Feet, White Baseball caps, and DDD (dried dog droppings)

— Corrected an issue where This is Working as Intended.

— Replaced all red appearance items with slightly less red appearance items.

— Corrected the Healing Delay. Healing will now occur shortly before the user presses the button.